You seem troubled sire, the maid observed as she brought him in some fresh clothes. Is something the matter?
You mean other than the fact that this morning I was a thief, and now Im suddenly a prince?
Eliroh watched as she placed the clothes on a chair, neatly folded and pressed. The shirt was brightly coloured blue, the kind of colour that would cost a lot for any regular person to even find, and the trousers were a deep, majestic black. It was impossible to tell without handling them, but he was almost certain that they would be made of as rich a material as the bedclothes were.
You were always a prince, sire. Just didnt know it.
She seemed a friendly young lady, not dissimilar to the many girls he knew of her age around the town. Of course, they had treated him more of an equal than she ever would now.
Maybe not, but it never did me any harm. But now
now I dont even know what to think.
Its just the transition sire. Youll get used to it. And once you do, as I believe your sister said, youll be the prince you were always meant to be.
The prince I never asked to be. The prince I never wanted to be.
Sire?
Please. Stop calling me sire. I have a name - its Eliroh.
But I thought your sister called you-
I know what she called me. But that is not my name. And as long as I have a say in it, it never will be.
They are not going to let you change your name so easily.
Maybe not, but I can take comfort by keeping it as and where I can. So just, let me keep my name.
Certainly si- Eliroh. But you know, Ill have to call you sire around everyone else. I dont wish to be whipped for insubordination.
No
that I can understand.
She opened her mouth to speak again, but was cut off by the door opening. An elderly woman entered the room, a woman Eliroh vaguely remembered being there after his lashes. She must be the healer, he figured.
Girl, she addressed the maid, what are you still doing here? Cant you see his majesty needs his rest? He doesnt want to be troubled by the likes of you!
Yes, madam Rael. She shuffled, hurriedly, out of the room.
I apologise for that irritant, your highness. Ill be sure to make sure she doesnt bother you again.
Actually, he corrected her, I quite enjoyed her company. It was refreshing.
This was true enough, she seemed the easiest person to talk to here. Someone he felt was on his level, the kind of person he understood, not just some stuck-up noble. And he had no desire to see her vanish quite so soon, he needed someone like himself in order to keep his sanity, and in this place, she was the closest he could hope for.
Oh, the healer tried, and failed, to hide her shock, and, as far as Eliroh could tell, her disappointment. Very well sire. As you see fit. I am here to fix your wounds, as you should already know, but I must warn you, it will draw on your own energy, the same amount as it would for them to heal naturally, so you may feel a bit drained afterward. I will, however, put in some of my own energy, which should take some of the strain off of you, your highness.
Already sensing that arguing against the status she placed on him would be pointless, he decided to ignore it. If he was going to lose energy in this healing process, there seemed little point in wasting it on her.
Before you start, he ventured, as she peeled the bandages from one arm, are you able to fix my eye? And my hands?
This was something that had been nagging at him since hed learned he was to be healed. That faint glimmer of hope that his full sight could be restored. But that glimmer was extinguished with one look at the healer, paused in her work. She didnt have to say anything - her face said it all.
Im sorry, your majesty, she apologised, but it is just not possible to save your eye. I can clean up the wound as best I can, but it will still just be a hole. As for your hands, Im afraid the same rule applies. I can heal wounds, but I cannot re-grow what has been lost.
Just wait til I see those guards again, he mumbled, more to himself than to the healer. There was a threatening hint in his voice, though it wasnt his new status that put it there.
You wont have to, sire.
What do you mean?
The only place you would see them would be swinging from the gallows. But, by my reckoning, they shouldve been taken down by now.
They were executed?
Well, yes. After what they did to you, the prince of this land? They were hardly going to walk free.
But they were following orders.
Sire, you of all people should be pleased at their fate.
Well, yes, but being executed because they followed orders is despicable! Its just wrong that anyone would deny their own responsibility like that.
She didnt respond, clearly not sure which stance to take. Why couldnt she think for herself, instead if just thinking about who it would be most beneficial to agree with?
He watched as she healed his wounds, his skin knitting together neatly, leaving nothing but pink flesh, not even a visible scar. He felt the drain shed warned him about, small as it may be, and had that been it he doubted it wouldve made a difference. But with the amount of wounds he had, he could tell it was going to mount up. His skin itched slightly from the magic, but he darent scratch it, for fear that it might reopen the wound, as irrational as that sounded.
She worked quickly, his wounds rapidly disappearing, and he found his muscles, which he now realised hed been unconsciously tensing, relaxing as his energy ebbed away.
You should get some sleep, majesty, she advised him. As quickly as I can work, this will still take some time, and forcing yourself to stay awake will only tire you further. And youll need all of your energy for this afternoon.
This afternoon? What happens this afternoon?
Im sure your parents will give you all the details at lunch. For now, just rest.
Eliroh had no desire to sleep, just lying in bed letting everyone do everything for him - it just wasnt like him to be so self-important, so lazy. Hed rather do things for himself. But while he wanted nothing more than to climb out of this bed and work for himself, he knew that it wasnt really an option. He wasnt in any kind of condition to even get up, this he knew, and he wouldnt be able to fix his injuries as the healer was doing anyway. But besides this, he realised that even if he tried to do something for himself, would anybody let him? With servants insisting on waiting on his majesty, hand and foot, and his supposed parents no doubt refusing to let him do any dirty work, would it even be possible?
Despite his best efforts to stay awake, he found his eyelid drooping, and a sudden, fresh wave of fatigue hit him. The black cloud that framed his vision seemed to invade the room, and any sense of awareness he had, left him as he fell into sleeps oblivion.
*
Unhappily, Eliroh sank into the warm, scented water that filled the silver tub hed been brought. He hated being given all these things, and more so, he hated himself for having to accept them. But hed already concluded that he had no choice. He doubted he would be allowed to do anything for himself in this place, the best option would be not to fight it, and to just go with the flow. That is, until he worked out a way to escape.
Despite the fact the healer had treated his wounds, he was still bound to his room like a patient. The tub had been brought up specially, which was now hidden behind a white, lace screen, though what it was supposed to be screening him from, he had no idea.
Examining his skin, he saw that not a single scar had been left on him, and despite the fact he knew it was only because he was the prince, he was grateful to the old woman who had fixed him. His hand ventured to his face. As shed said, it seemed repair to his eye had not been possible, finding only what seemed to be its old home. Just the socket, healed over with skin. He was alarmed to find that the eyelid, useless as it now was, was still there, curtaining the entrance to the cave, though he couldnt move it any more. He wondered what it looked like, at that moment both wanting, and hoping he never found a mirror. The fingers he was missing were little more than stumps now, too, though looked a lot more presentable than he imagined his eye did.
Sire? a voice he immediately recognised as the maids floated through the room. He hadnt even heard her come in, how long had she been there? Oh, I mean, er
Eliroh.
Without warning, she appeared from around the screen, laden with towels, flannels, and soap. Water sloshed over the sides of the tub as he strove to hide himself, alarmed.
What are you doing?!
I have been ordered to help you bathe.
What? Help him bathe? What was wrong with these rich snobs that they couldnt even wash themselves anymore?
Well, er, Im fine doing that myself, thanks. Um, you can leave now.
But if I leave, Ill be punished for not following orders! Please sire, er
Eliroh. Please dont make me go!
Seeing the frightened look on her face he felt his resolve slipping. He guessed this was just another thing he could expect to be forced on him.
Okay, fine.
Oh, thank you!
Just, leave those things here. I said I can wash myself and I meant it. You just go and wait on the other side of the screen, okay?
Are you sure?
Positive!
He could see her try to stifle a giggle as she retreated behind the screen, no doubt due to his alarmed response, though he didnt mention it.
Relaxing slightly, though not completely, lest she should reappear, he reached for the soap and flannel she had left him. He was already relatively clean, and had he been with the Black Rats still, he probably wouldve left it for a lot longer, so he didnt really see the point in this. But there didnt seem like there was much else for him to do, and he didnt see the harm.
As he washed, he let his mind drift. He had no intention of staying here, that much hed already decided, but exactly how to escape was a different matter. He had a better chance now than when he had been in the prison, but still, he knew it wouldnt be easy.
A scuffling sounded behind the screen as the maid did whatever it was she was doing, although Eliroh couldnt see what that was, and the reminder of her presence made him slightly uncomfortable. Anything, he thought, to make this situation more bearable.
You know, I never did get around to asking your name, he said, hoping that conversation might help.
Sir? her confused voice wafted over the screen. Why should you wish to know my name?
Why wouldnt I? And didnt I say not to call me sir?
You told me not to call you sire.
True. But dont call me sir either. Or anything else that is not my name, okay?
Okay.
So what is your name?
My name is not important.
Well if its not important, whats the harm in telling me?
S-Eliroh, forgive me if by not answering your question I seem rude, but for you to call me by my name, as you have told me to do for you, would implicate my being equal to you. And while I understand that your past would lead you to feel that that is not a problem, if anybody above me should even think that I consider myself your equal, the consequences for me would be dire. Such is why I cannot call you by your name before others. So it would be easier if you do not know my name. However, if you see fit to order my name from me, then I shall tell you.
Im not in the habit of ordering anything from anyone. And dont worry, I can see where youre coming from, but if I dont know your name then what do I call you?
Just call me Girl.
Girl? Thats a bit
disrespectful, isnt it?
I dont mind. Really, I dont. Its just easier.
Fine then, Ill call you Girl. But Im not happy about it.
Thank you, Eliroh.
Rolling his eyes, he continued his bath.
Hey, Girl, he called her after another few minutes. How well do you know this castle?
Well, Ive been here for five years now. So Id like to think I know it quite well.
And the servants passages. Are they in all parts of the castle?
Most parts. But why do you want to know?
You dont honestly think Im gonna stay here, do you? Im out of here as soon as I get a chance! But keep that to yourself.
How are you going to manage that?
I dont know yet. But with your help Im sure I can think of something.
Im not sure about this. If anyone should find out that I helped you
Dont worry, I dont expect you to help me with the actual escape. All I need from you is information. Mostly on the castle layout. Surely theres no harm in you telling me that?
I suppose not. But this castle is complicated, especially the servants passages. Itd take more time than I would ever be assigned to serve you for to explain it all.
That doesnt matter. Ill figure something out.
If you dont mind me asking, why do you wish to leave? I know you dont like it here, I know it conflicts with how youve been brought up, but here youll want for nothing. Your every desire will be granted you. Perhaps its not how you imagined your life would turn out, but youll get used to it. And besides, surely you know that, even if you do escape, they will come after you. You may be able to escape the castle, but you wont escape the people in it so easily.
You think? I dont want to become used to this place, I dont care about all this stuff. And I will not stay here. And anyway, theyll never find me. I know that town like the back of my hand. Every corner, every alley, every abandoned building, hidden passage, and secret hideout. They can come after me if they want, but as long as I can breathe, they wont get me.
Climbing out of the tub, he wrapped a towel around himself and walked around the screen. Girl was sat on his bed, twiddling her thumbs while she waited to be assigned work, barely noticing his emergence, or if she did, she didnt give any indication of it.
Taking a cursory glance around the room, his eyes fell on the clothes she had brought him earlier, folded neatly on a chair. Picking up the shirt, tentatively, he examined it, before letting it fall back to where he had found it. These were not his clothes.
Um, excuse me, er, Girl, he said, drawing her attention. But where are my clothes?
Theyre right there, she replied, indicating the garments on the chair.
Yeah, I get that. But what I mean is, where are my clothes? These are just clothes I happen to have been given by whoever the underworld wants me to wear them.
You mean the clothes you were wearing before?
Yes, those clothes.
Im not sure what happened to them. It wasnt me that took them. But unless you want to wander around the castle naked, looking for them, it may be best to just wear what youve been given.
Rolling his eyes, he conceded, taking the clothes behind the screen to change. His lip curled in disgust as he pulled the garments on, his nose wrinkling in distaste at the thought of what he was becoming. Only, he told himself, he was not becoming one of them. Merely posing, as they wanted him to.
Ignoring the surprisingly irritating feel of soft cloth on his skin, Eliroh cast a sideways glance at Girl through the screen, though he could not see her. She seemed to be becoming more comfortable around him, treating him more like the equal he was. Perhaps even, in time, she could become a friend.
His thoughts were cut off by three loud raps at his door, followed by the sound of someone entering without waiting for a response.
You, girl! A prudish, proud womans voice radiated around the room, like the morning bell that wakes you from your peaceful slumber. And about as welcome. Where is his majesty?
H-h-hes changing, Girl mumbled in reply. Behind the screen.
And tell me, why, I repeat, why are you sat here twiddling your thumbs instead of aiding his highness?
Because, Eliroh said before Girl could answer, buttoning the rest of his shirt as he walked around the screen. I am not retarded, and I am more than capable of dressing myself.
Oh of course, sire, the woman, who he know saw to be middle aged, already greying slightly on top, bowed, suddenly losing the barking authority in her voice that she displayed before Girl. I hope I did not offend you. I assure you, that was not my intention. I merely came to deliver a message from your parents. They wish for you to join them for lunch, sire. This maid will show you the way. Oh, and they gift you with this. They hope you to wear it with pride.
Holding out her hand, she showed him an eye patch. It was beautifully crafted, the black fabric neatly sown, quality you wouldnt find anywhere outside the castle. Emblazoned across its face, embroidered in gold thread, jewels embedded where appropriate, was the royal crest, proudly boasting his newly found heritage to the world.
Its very
grand. Isnt it?
Yes sire, the woman cooed, clearly missing the distaste in his voice. The royal seamstress is the best around, nothing can beat her work. Your parents insisted that you not have just any old rag for your eye.
Shoving it into his hand, she shuffled out of the door, leaving him to stare at the patch.
A simple cloth wouldve done, he mumbled.
Perhaps, Girl agreed, but the king and queen would never have allowed it.
I get that - people like them never settle for anything less than grandeur in anything. But I dont need all this, I mean this is not me.
Maybe not to you, but as far as your family are concerned you are a prince. And regardless of your upbringings, this makes you exactly the same as them, in body, mind and spirit.
Thats bullshit, Eliroh spat as she took the patch from him and tied it over his eye, as he would not have allowed himself to do. I am nothing like them. And they are not my family.














Critiques
General suggestions/comments first:
Here's an example that can illustrate both points: "Very well sire. As you see fit. I am here to fix your wounds, as you should already know, but I must warn you, it will draw on your own energy, the same amount as it would for them to heal naturally, so you may feel a bit drained afterward. I will, however, put in some of my own energy, which should take some of the strain off of you, your highness."
Do you see the shift? In the first sentence, Eliroh is using contractions and speaking fairly casually, but in the second example, it's suddenly "I know what she called me. But that is not my name." instead of something like "I know what she called me, but that's not my name.". I like the first example better, personally - the more formal speech just doesn't suit Eliroh's character very well, you know? So, that's just something to keep an eye on.
Those were the two main things that I saw; the next points are pretty minor, but they did jump out at me as I was reading, and they seemed to be applicable to the piece in general.
I hope that my feedback helps you!
“Is something the matter?” <--- new line
“You mean other than the fact that this morning I was a thief, and now I’m suddenly a prince?” (would a thief be speaking so eloquently? )
Eliroh watched as she placed the clothes on a chair, neatly folded and pressed. The shirt was brightly coloured blue, the kind of colour that would cost a lot for any regular person to (possess/own) (while) the trousers were a deep, majestic black. (what about the black makes it majestic? What it shimmery or something?) It was impossible to tell without handling them, but he was almost certain (get rid of "that") they would be made of as rich a material as the bedclothes were.
“You were always a prince, sire,(j)ust didn’t know it.”
She seemed a friendly young lady, not dissimilar to the many girls he knew of her age around the town (Name of town, maybe?). Of course, they had treated him (like) more of an equal than she ever would now.
“Maybe not, but it never did me any harm. But now… now I don’t even know what to think.”
“It’s just the transition(,) sire. You’ll get used to it. And once you do, as I believe your sister said, you’ll be the prince you were always meant to be.”
“The prince I never asked to be. The prince I never wanted to be.”
“Sire?”
“
“But I thought your sister called you-” (Would a house maid be privy to downstairs conversation? Wouldn't her place be upstairs?)
“I know what she called me. But that is not my name( and,) as long as I have a say in it, it never will be.”
“They are not going to let you change your name so easily.” (For a servant, she is being very bold telling a prince what to do - or what he can do. Perhaps describe her thoughts as to why she would be speaking so informally? Prince says it - it is that way.)
“Maybe not, but I can take comfort by keeping it as and where I can. So just, let me keep my name.”
“Certainly si- Eliroh. But you know, I’ll have to call you ‘sire’ around everyone else. I don’t wish to be whipped for insubordination.”
“No… that I can understand.”
She opened her mouth to speak again, but was cut off by the door opening. An elderly woman entered the room, a woman Eliroh vaguely remembered being there after his lashes. She must be the healer, he figured.
“Girl,” she addressed the maid, “what are you still doing here? Can’t you see his majesty needs his rest? He doesn’t want to be troubled by the likes of you(.)" ( - try using the "!" as little as possible. Allow your words to describe how a person is saying something. Also, give a physical description of the character)
“Yes, madam Rael(,)” (s)he shuffled hurriedly out of the room. -You don't need the commas.
“I apologise for that irritant, your highness. I’ll be sure to make sure she doesn’t bother you again.”
“Actually,” he corrected her, “I quite enjoyed her company. It was refreshing.”
This was true enough, she seemed the easiest person to talk to here. Someone he felt was on his level, the kind of person he understood, not just some stuck-up noble. And he had no desire to see her vanish quite so soon, he needed someone like himself in order to keep his sanity, and in this place, she was the closest he could hope for.
“Oh,” the healer tried, and failed, to hide her shock, and, as far as Eliroh could tell, her disappointment.
new line
“Very well sire(,) (as) you see fit. I am here to fix your wounds, as you should already know, but I must warn you, it will draw on your own energy, the same amount as it would for them to heal naturally, so you may feel a bit drained afterward. I will, however, put in some of my own (strength? You already said energy once) energy, which should take some of the strain off of you, your highness.”
(S)ensingthat arguing against the status she placed on him would be pointless, he decided to ignore it. If he was going to lose energy in this healing process, there seemed little point in wasting it on her.
“Before you start,” he ventured (don't need "," here) as she peeled the bandages from one arm, “are you able to fix my eye? And my hands?”
This was something that had been nagging ( him) since he’d learned he was to be healed. That faint glimmer of hope that his full sight could be restored. But (it was) extinguished with one look at the healer, (who)paused in her work. She didn’t have to say anything - her face said it all.
“I’m sorry, your majesty,” she apologized, “but it is just not possible to save your eye. I can clean up the wound as best I can, but it will still just be a hole. As for your hands, I‘m afraid the same rule applies. I can heal wounds, but I cannot re-grow what has been lost.”
“Just wait ‘til I see those guards again,” he mumbled, more to himself than to the healer. There was a threatening hint in his voice, though it wasn’t his new status that put it there.
“You won’t have to, sire.”
“What do you mean?”
“The only place you would see them would be swinging from the gallows. But, by my reckoning, they should’ve been taken down by now.”
“They were executed?”
“Well, yes. After what they did to you, the prince of this land? They were hardly going to walk free.”
“But they were following orders.”
“Sire, you of all people should be pleased at their fate.”
“Well, yes, but being executed because they followed orders is despicable! It’s just wrong that anyone would deny their own responsibility like that.”
She (did not) respond, clearly not sure which stance to take. Why could (she not) think for herself, instead if just thinking about who it would be most beneficial to agree with?
He watched as she healed (him), (skin) knitting together neatly. (Nothing was left) but pink flesh, not even a visible scar. He felt the drain she (had) warned him about, small as it may be, and had that been it he doubted it would (have) made a difference. (With) the amount of wounds he had, he could tell it was going to mount up. His skin itched slightly from the magic, but he dare (not) scratch it, for fear that it might reopen the wound, as irrational as that sounded.
*** (Describe what happens when she uses magic - is there a glow, can he see anything?)
She worked quickly, his wounds rapidly disappearing(.) (Eliroh) found his muscles, which he now realized he (had) been unconsciously tensing (and relaxed) as his energy ebbed away.
“You should get some sleep, majesty,” she advised him. “As quickly as I can work, this will still take some time, and forcing yourself to stay awake will only tire you further. (You'll) need all of your (strength) for this afternoon.”
“This afternoon? What happens this afternoon?”
“I’m sure your parents will give you all the details at lunch. For now, just rest.”
Eliroh had no desire to sleep, just lying in bed letting everyone do everything for him - it just wasn’t like him to be so self-important, so lazy. He (would) rather do things for himself. But while he wanted nothing more than to climb out of this bed and work(don't need"for himself"), he knew that it was (not an) option. He was notin any kind of condition to even get up, this he knew, and he would not be able to fix his injuries as the healer was doing anyway. (B)esides this, he realized(, even) if he tried to do something for himself, would anybody let him? With servants insisting on waiting on ‘his majesty’(don't need ",") hand and foot, and his supposed parents no doubt refusing to let him do any ‘dirty work’, would it even be possible?
Despite his best efforts to stay awake, he found his eyelid drooping(no ",") and a sudden (no ",") fresh wave of fatigue hit him. The black cloud that framed his vision seemed to invade the room (no ",") and any sense of awareness he had (no ",") left him as he fell into sleep’s oblivion.
*
Baby woke up from her nap, i will try to get to the rest.
Just some points:
1.) You use ' inside ". For example: Jane leaned forward, "I know he said, 'don't do there,' but he had no idea what he was talking about."
In your story - use "dirty work" - not 'dirty work'.
2.) When narrating, try not to use conjunctions. It looks lazy to agents and publishers. Your characters can speak using them, but you should not.
3.) You use way too many commas when you don't need to, be careful.
4.) You have the thief speaking very well, as good as nobility... is that your poetic license?
These are just my opinions so use them as you wish.
Kudos on your topic, I love fantasy/history!
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