literature

Hellsing Fanfic: Switch

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   Calmly plucking the priest’s thrown knives from his arm, Alucard threw them to the floor.

   “Is that the best you can do?” he sighed.

   “Master,” Seras piped up from the background. “Is it really wise to mock your enemy like that?”

   “Be quiet police-girl. I know what I’m doing.”

   “I’m sure you do,” Anderson sniggered sarcastically. “But if that’s the case, why am I still standing? If you know what you’re doing, why have you not yet killed me?”

   “Kill you?” Alucard laughed. “Now where’s the fun in that?”

   Scowling, his teeth gritted in anger, the priest ran forward, throwing his knives at the seemingly bored vampire. His foot caught on a loose stone and he fell to the floor, whilst Alucard pulled out the casull and shot the blades from the air.  One of the shards from Anderson’s own weapon embedded itself in his shoulder as he was getting up, and he fell to the floor once more. Ripping the metal from his flesh, the wound knitted together as he stood up.

   “You know if we continue like this,” he laughed, “we’ll just keep going round in circles.”

   “Hmm, you’re right,” Alucard admitted. “Why don’t you just go away and come back when you’ve got something substantial to use against me?”

   “Oh but I have, monster,” he grinned sinisterly. “I have.”

   From out of nowhere, the priest pulled one long blade. Strange symbols were etched onto it, and it almost seemed to be glowing.

   “Is that blessed, master?” Seras asked, innocently.

   “How am I supposed to know?!”

   With a cackling laugh, Anderson plunged the knife into the ground, contrary to what the two vampires had expected him to do with it. The room around the erupted with a golden light, that tasted to Seras like strawberries, and she could see her master pulling a face at the flavour.

   Within seconds the light was gone, and Anderson was smiling arrogantly, although nothing seemed to be out of place.

   “What was that supposed to do?” Alucard sneered. He loved it when his enemies failed like this.

   “Oh nothing. Yet.”

   With that, he turned and fled the scene, leaving Alucard and Seras confused over his final words to them.

   “Yet,” Seras repeated, pondering over the mystery. “Yet?! That sounds like a threat doesn’t it master?”

   “Stop panicking about it police-girl. It meant nothing. Just a psycho priest wanting to sound like he won when he lost. Ignore it.”

   “I can’t master. Aren’t you even a little curious over what he meant?”

   “Honestly, no. Nothing these priests do makes sense to me, and right now all I care about is getting back to the manor and having a good day’s sleep in my coffin.”

*

   Back in the basement of Hellsing Manor, Alucard threw his hat to the floor. With a look of pure hatred on his face, he wriggled into the pyjamas he’d borrowed from Walter. If it were up to him he’d just wear his normal clothes to sleep, but Sir Integra had moaned that it made them smell, and had moaned even more when he just wore nothing. What was the problem? He’d only had ONE sleepwalking accident.

   His lip curled in disgust at the loathsome material, he climbed into his coffin. Something about these encounters with Anderson always made him especially tired, and tonight was no exception. Why couldn’t that priest just give up already? At first the fights had been light entertainment for him, but now they were just getting tiresome and repetitive. And what was Seras’s fascination with his pathetic threat? They were just words, they were meaningless.

   He closed his eyes, and sleep came surprisingly easy, despite the snoring he could already hear through the wall.

*

   Alucard’s eyes snapped open. Something was wrong, he could feel it. Sitting up, he looked around. This wasn’t his room. Now that he thought about it, this wasn’t even his coffin. Instinctively, he patted his body to check for injuries, the light so dim he didn’t notice anything was strange until… whoa! Those definitely were not his breasts!

   Leaping out of the coffin, he ran to the mirror, and was only half-surprised to see Seras staring back at him. Unable to control it, he opened his mouth and the sound of Seras screaming came out. As soon as he heard it, he clamped his hand over his mouth. Or was it her mouth? It was so confusing! Although the nighty she seemed to be wearing did explain that curious draught.

   He heard his own voice scream nearby and flung the door open. He was surprised how much weaker he was, wasn’t used to having such limited strength. Sliding across the floor as he skidded into his own room. Sir Integra and Walter were already there, comforting what looked like himself, who was crouched in the corner, rocking backwards and forwards.

   “Alucard,” his master said, with some degree of irritation in her voice, “what the bloody hell is wrong with you?”

   “Besides the obvious?” he said, the sound of Seras’s voice coming from him somewhat creepy.

   “Not now, police-girl.”

   “Who are you calling police-girl, master?”

   At the sound of her own voice Seras, trapped in Alucard’s body, looked up.

   “Master,” she said, the sound of his voice disturbing both of them. “I don’t mean to be rude, but GIVE ME MY BODY BACK RIGHT NOW!”

   “What? I didn’t do this, why the hell would I?”

   “Wait, wait,” Sir Integra interrupted, turning around to face Alucard. “Please tell me you’re not who I think you are.”

   “Depends on who you think I am, master.”

   “Alucard, what have you done now?”

   “Why does everyone always assume these things are my fault?”

   “Because they usually are.”

   Seras stood in the corner, still shaking, and shuffled forwards.

   “What about what Anderson said?” she intervened.

   “What?” Integra snapped, “What did Anderson say?”

   Alucard sighed. “He did… something, and said that nothing had happened, ‘yet’.”

   “And you didn’t think to mention this? You know what, never mind. You two, get dressed and meet me in my office. Come on Walter.”  

   She left with her butler, and Alucard turned to leave, but Seras shrieked causing his spine to shiver. No man, human or vampire, should have to hear himself shriek.

   “Now what?”

   “I… I can’t get dressed like this! And you… you… are not dressing me!”

   “Oh stop panicking and just get on with it.”

   Ignoring her cries of protest, he shut the door and returned to her room. Rifling through Seras’s wardrobe, he found it amazing just how many clothes she had. How was he supposed to get dressed when there was so much to choose from? And then there was the makeup. For someone who wore so little, she didn’t half own a lot of it, though this did give him an opportunity to make her look a bit more presentable.

   Not really caring what he grabbed, he pulled out a low-cut red top and a miniscule black, leather skirt. As far as he figured, the smaller it was the easier it would be to put on. Now, shoes. What shoes? Nothing high, even he couldn’t walk in stilettos, so he opted for a tatty pair of trainers.

   Walking to her dresser, Alucard stared at all the pots and tubes of colour. For obvious reasons, he’d never done this before, but how hard could it be?

*

   “What are you wearing?!” Seras yelled when she saw him.

   “What?” Why was she getting so angry? It wasn’t like he was naked.

   “You are not wearing that, I look like a whore! Did you even brush my hair? And get that filth off my face!”

   “Well what about you? That looks like you borrowed it from Walter.”

   “I did. Your clothes were way too chunky and heavy.”

   “Heavy?!”

   “I felt swamped!”

   “I don’t care, I don’t want to look like some kind of substitute butler!”

   “Will you two stop arguing?” Sir Integra said as she came into the room, and sat at her desk. “You two can go and get changed in a minute.”

   “But I don’t want to get changed master.”

   “Listen Alucard, regardless of who is in who’s body, I do not want Hellsing associated with vampires that can’t even get dressed without bickering. You will both wear what your body wore yesterday, and that’s an end to it!”

   “Yes master.”

   “Yes sir.”

   “Good. Now, tell me what happened.”

   Thinking it not a good idea to argue with her, Alucard relayed what had happened. Of course, in order to get himself off the hook about not telling her before, he played down the importance of what Anderson had done.

   “Well,” she sighed. “Walter, what do you think?”

   Passing her a cigar, Walter said; “I think the best thing you can do would be to find Anderson. He’s probably the only one who can fix it.”

   “So we’re stuck then?” Alucard huffed.

   “Not necessarily,” Integra tapped her fingers together. “You two split up and look for him, and we’ll see if any of our intelligence can find him.”

   Nodding, Alucard turned and left, dragging Seras behind him by the sleeve. Anderson would pay for this, big time.

*

   Alucard sulked as he walked down the street. Although he’d obeyed and gotten changed, Sir Integra wouldn’t let him bring his guns. Didn’t trust him to not shoot something in frustration.

   Midnight was approaching, and he couldn’t think of anywhere else to look. He’d checked every dark and abandoned building he could think of, every church, every warehouse. In his desperation, he’d even checked the sewers, but considering the amount of toilet juice that now clung to him this might not have been such a good idea.

   From across the road, a group of young lads were yelling and laughing. It didn’t take a genius to see they were drunk, and Alucard had seen drunks before, so didn’t pay them much attention. But then, he underestimated the affect Seras could have on drunken males.

   “Alright darling?” one of them yelled while the others wolf whistled. Alucard’s eyes widened as he realised they were crossing the road, forming a group in front of him that he would have to get through to pass. It was an inconvenience, but he’d fought a lot worse than this before, so they didn’t worry him.

   He shuffled past them, and felt a sharp pain, which was very new to him, as one of them slapped his arse. He shot up straight as the rest of the lads laughed hard, fists clenched. How did Seras cope in this body?

   With astonishing speed, he spun around and punched the guy who had slapped his butt, square in the jaw.

   “Weyhay!” one of them jeered, “the minx has attitude!”

   Not wanting anything to distract him from his pursuit of Anderson, he walked on, though in his head he was screaming. Where was the jackal when he needed it?!

   He walked along the path, trying desperately to ignore them. It would be a waste of his talents to kill them, and Sir Integra would scold him for it if he did.

   “Come on, sexy,” they yelled behind him, “let us show you a good time!”   

   He was about to turn around and beat them into bloody pulps, his patience at it’s wit’s end, when a new voice entered the fray.

   “Ok guys, leave the girl alone.”

   “Oh yeah? And how are you gonna make us?”

   Alucard didn’t bother turning around to see what was going on, this was just so degrading. He was a strong and powerful vampire, had yet to be bested in a battle, and here he was being saved by a mere human. From a gang of drunken perverts no less.

   A young man jogged up to his side, much to his embarrassment and annoyance.

   “Are you okay?” he asked.

   “I’m fine,” he growled. This guy had better not want something.

   “You sure know how to look after yourself, I’ll give you that. But you really shouldn’t be out here on your own.”

   Alucard’s eye began to twitch as he suppressed his anger, trying desperately not to just explode with rage. When he found Anderson, he would tear off his head for what he’d done!

   “I’ll be fine,” he managed to get out. He didn’t trust himself to say anything else without revealing the Hellsing secret, simply save his image.

   “Well at least let me walk you home.”

   Alucard’s head joined his eye with the twitching as the strange man walked with him, talking non-stop. This couldn’t get any worse - not only was he being looked upon as vulnerable, but now he couldn’t even continue his search for Anderson.

   From out of nowhere, the Seras leapt from a building, landing behind them.

   “Ma… er, Seras,” she said, the sound of his own voice still freaking him out. “There you are, I’ve been looking for you for ages.”

   “Is this your boyfriend?” the man asked.

   “What?!”

   “Yes!” Alucard said suddenly. It was embarrassing, but at least he could get rid of the man. “Yes, I’ll be fine now. Goodbye.”

   “Well, er… okay.”

   Alucard stood next to his body as they watched the stranger disappear into the night. He was used to being confronted, but this… this was just wrong.

   “So,” he said, his sense of power returning, “Have you found him?”

   “No, but¾”

   “Then why are you here? You should be looking for him.”

   “Well master,” she giggled, “so should you. Not going out on the pull.”

   “Watch your tongue, police-girl. I am still your master!”

   “Sorry master. Where was I? Oh yeah! Sir Integra’s found him, we just need to return to Hellsing manor and she’ll tell us.”

   Despite his predicament, he couldn’t help but smile. Although he wasn’t entirely happy that his body, regardless of who was in it, had giggled.

*

   “We have managed to locate Anderson,” Sir Integra informed them. “We started at his orphanage, but it seems he never left the country. I’m not going to bore you with the details, but we’ve managed to trace him to Big Ben. Looks like he’s planning on sitting back and ‘watching the chaos’ so to speak.”

   “Great!” Alucard cheered. “I’ll get my guns.”

   “No. I think it would be better if Seras used your guns.”

   “What? Then what am I supposed to use?”

   “You can use her canon.”

   “Why?”

   “Well, if you can pretend that what he’s done hasn’t worked, then you might be able to catch him off guard. He might even do it again in the hope that he actually can swap you, then you’d be back to normal.”

   “But¾”

   “No, Alucard! No buts. Just go.”

   “Fine!”

*


   Almost buckling under the weight of the canon, Alucard struggled up the stairs behind Seras.

   “Argh, how do you carry this around police-girl?”

   “Master, I thought you were supposed to be strong?”

   “I am, but you’re not. You may be able to carry this thing, but I’m not used to having such limited strength. I am not used to being weak!”

   “I’m not weak.”

   “Shh! I think I can hear him. Don’t forget, act like me!”

   Seras pulled out her master’s guns in preparation.

   “Anderson!” she yelled, trying to sound like Alucard. “Come out here!”

   A cruel chuckle echoed around them, and the priest leapt onto the platform in front of them.

   “Ach, so you’re here monster,” he said. “I had a feeling you would be. But you’re wasting your time, I won’t return you to your own bodies. I am just going to watch you destroy London in your frustration, throwing Hellsing into chaos, and distrust! And you cannot stop me!”

   “What are you talking about?” Seras growled, trying her best to sound like her master.

   “What do you mean ‘what am I talking about’? And at least do me the dignity,” he looked at Alucard, pretending to quiver behind Seras, “of speaking to me yourself.”

   “What’s he talking about, master?” he mimicked Seras.

   “How am I supposed to know?!”

   Trying hard to keep his ‘I am not amused’ look from his face, he struggled to heave the canon onto his shoulder while convincing the priest he did it all the time. The police-girl seemed to be enjoying this a bit too much.

   “You… you can’t fool me,” he stammered. “I… I know this is an act.”

   “I didn’t realise I’d hit you that hard last time we met.” Seras chuckled. Although he knew she was probably making fun of him, it was scary how much she sounded like him. If it wasn’t him she was impersonating, even he would have been fooled.

   “You… I… I mean… Yargh! I thank the blessed lord above that I had the foresight to power this thing twice.”

   Pulling out a familiar blade, he plunged it into the ground, and the strawberry-flavoured light surrounded them once more. Feigning surprise at this was not as difficult as he’d expected it would be, since he hadn’t thought it’d be this easy to deceive the priest.

   When the light ebbed away, they saw that Anderson had vanished once more, although they were still in the wrong bodies.

   “What happened?” Seras murmured, “Why aren’t we back in our own bodies?”

   “Do you not know anything police-girl? It will likely happen when we wake in the evening.”

*

   Alucard woke, groggy, and it took a while for him to remember anything. As his memory returned he bolted upright, clutching his head as in his haste he’d forgotten to open his coffin. He checked himself over, sighing in relief.

   ‘Hallelujah!’ he thought ‘I’m home! Now why am I naked?’
Why indeed :lol:
Anyway, this is my first EVER fanfic, so I hope it's okay, but feel free to moan at me if it's not, lol. I came across this idea when me and :iconlinkinparkno1: were talking about Hellsing fanfics and it sort of turned into a "wouldn't it be funny if this happened" kind of convo.
I guess you could say that this is sort like Hellsing with a freaky friday twist to it, only a but more sinister.
And to those of you who read my 'Must be Magic' series, don't worry, more of that will be up shortly, sorry for the delay.:D

Oh yeah, and (as if you didn't know) I do not own Hellsing, it belongs to Kohta Hirano (or so I'm told. I really have no clue who owns Hellsing, all I know is I don't). :D
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MOONDAUGHTER04's avatar
OMG that ending though